Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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