I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
