Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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