I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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