In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She is in my trunk
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
