You were right. It hurts to walk today.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
