The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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