i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
