She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
