Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
