Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
