oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
