Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
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Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
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I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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