I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
