She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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