I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
