broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
