and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
