Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
pop tarts are not kleenex
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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