I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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