I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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