worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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