Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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