I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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