when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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