Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
