I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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