How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
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I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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