This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My dick has a subreddit
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
