Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
