I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
