you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
