he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
