Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
