Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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