I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
