margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
