I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
