Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I can text with my tongue
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10