Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize