Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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