the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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