why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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