i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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