dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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