There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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