Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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