I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
