I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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