Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
