I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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