He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
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