haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I puked a lego.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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