forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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