Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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