i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
