she woke up with a sticky ear
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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