Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
barbara walters just said penis...
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
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