I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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