I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
